I’m not getting older, just better

I wrote this article end of Aug 2020 but couldn’t post it on the day for technical reasons. Enjoy…

I’m turning 44 tomorrow. Even as a kid I’ve been obsessed with the passing of time and was acutely aware I should be happy I was still a kid, dreading the day I would turn 18 and I couldn’t exactly say why.

Was it real premonition? Some knowledge from a previous life? I’m just funning you.

But I was definitely right to fear the day when I was officially an adult, because all hell broke loose.

How do I feel today? Usually, in the past, I was always looking forward to my birthday. In 2014 I started a tradition of travelling to a new place each 1 September, only for that tradition to end a couple of years later when I met my husband. I guess I traded one adventure for a whole new one…

Those couple of years, for a brief moment, I belonged only to myself. 

Also, up till now I’ve always looked forward to my birthday, wondering how many people will remember it. I love the attention, always have.

This year is the first time I’m not feeling anything regarding my upcoming birthday. I’m not depressed about turning 44 or getting older. I used to be in the past at times, not this time though. What surprises me is that I’m not anticipating any attention, it feels like any other day, not wishing for anything. I wondered, why is that?

The only reason I can think of is, I’m not hoping for extra attention because I get plenty from my husband. While other couples have been struggling with the lockdown, we have been patient with each other, focusing as much as possible on doing something, anything. I was getting up at 6 am to take care of our allotment, my Mr. X has been building his business and was fighting in court for his children, I was writing articles and my book. Oh, and of course binge-watching Netflix.

But in between, we would share every thought and every kiss possible.  

My favourite thing is, (as I’m lazily watching Futurama in bed during the day, feeling all blah because my stupid thighs just wouldn’t slim down and I can’t travel anywhere), when my hubby peaks into my room and decides to simply slump his whole weight on me. I laugh in delight (hardly able to breathe) and hug him even tighter and we are being silly and playful.

It’s not always like this, mostly I just get a couple of kisses and he dashes back down to work, but every little bit of attention is welcome. It’s one of those things which I missed the most in my childhood, so naturally I’m craving it.

It’s a weird one. I’m good at being alone and enjoy it, but I also need people around me when I choose so. We are full of paradoxes and that’s fine by me.

The trick to being happy with as much or little attention as I get, is in not being greedy or needy. There are some mornings when I wake up and I feel like wanting to be amused by someone else. Be it a coffee with a friend or playfighting with my hubby, anything. But my friends are far away and I’m grateful that my friend B. has a coffee with me on a video chat.

At the end of the day, no one else is responsible for my happiness, I keep reminding myself. I do ask at times for company. If I get it, then yeay! If not, it’s truly fine.

I’m happy, even when I’m not. A paradox? Not really. I find that each of us nourishes an underlying main feeling, be it frustrated, angry, needy, unhappy, lonely, hungry for more. Meanwhile we try to hunt for those moments of relief, excitement, happiness.

What used to be my main feelings-landscape? Lonely, not belonging, forever doubting myself, unloved, abused, living in fear.

Some of the fear is still here, but it’s not fear of people or men any longer, only fear of not getting by, financially. I grew up in scarcity and it’s very hard to turn that one around.

But ever since I’ve learned about boundaries, love and how not to be needy, the main landscape became one of calm happiness. I might get upset at times, or sad or frustrated, but those are just brief moments now, not able to ruin my general calm.

Live and let live. The only motto I’ve ever had. But what do you do when some people don’t want to let you live any longer? Ah well, we shall see. Perhaps by my next birthday you will get to know a whole new side of me, one I hoped never having to use, but if anyone is going to threaten my family and the existence of the good we have in this world, then I guess I will be using a new motto, just like the new Batman, played by Robert Pattinson. Have a look at the trailer, it’s awesome! 

…As the bleeding criminals desperately ask him, who he was, he growls: ”I’m vengeance.”

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