Are there differences between men and women? Of course there are.
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Can we erase the difference between men and women? Apparently we can. Just have a look at what is happening in China. Due to a lack of girls, boys are becoming very feminine. And here comes the irony – Chinese women are looking towards the West to still find “real men”, some hardness, some machismo even perhaps, anything which can point to some true male energy. Well why actually?
One of the relationship coaches was making fun and said, women want to marry a real man and then turn him into their best friend, a woman. Ladies, isn’t that exactly what we are trying to do? It’s kinda scarry to let a man be a man. We WANT a man, a REAL man…but then when we have him, he should change into something we’re comfortable with. Suddenly he should replace the best friend, do whatever we want and tell, but then still stay a REAL man. A man might even try to please his woman and the more he does, the less she is actually happy and then misses him to be more manly.
Even if the differences between sexes are truly vanishing, is this really what we ladies want???? Think hard.
In our fairly modern history, no matter how we turned around, it went terribly wrong. Let’s face it – surpressing women, burning them, hiding them behind a veil, putting them behind the stove… it didn’t work. Men are terrified of women. And women of men by now, the clash is complete. I’ve discussed in a previous article who put the wedge between us, mainly our leaders, using religion as a tool. And we let them.
Turning men into ‘women’ now – is this really what we want I ask again. Just live with it – men have a penis and balls between their legs and whenever they can, they WILL sit down with their legs apart in order to avoid sitting on their own balls. Women, do you have any idea, how much it hurts to sit on your own balls? No? Neither do I but I believe my man when he tells me it’s crushing excrutiating pain.
Look, at the end of the day we all carry both sides in us. The sensitive and the decisive one. I don’t want to say the soft and the hard side. The feminine and the masculine. In most cases we will find each other in a way so we can balance each other out. If a woman is more masculine, she will mostly end up with a more sensitive man. And that’s perfectly fine – if they are both happy.
What makes it difficult to accept any other balances is the world presenting us only with one picture – the big strong man and the tiny very feminine woman. More and more strong women are pictured in movies these days, but in the end, their partner is an even stronger man. Or no man at all.
For the longest time I was confused who I am or how I should feel and be and behave. I could feel very manly – strong, invincible, organised, pushing towards a goal. But at the same time I felt just as feminine – sensitive, joyful, wanting to dance, to sing, be gentle in my moves. I stayed confused for the longest time, long after I became an adult. The result was a disaster, a lava mess. It reminds me of the beautiful animated movie Moana. I felt like the lava monster, confused, isolated, angry, hurt, never letting anyone really close.
But I resolved the mess. It’s difficult to explain but I’ll try, so bear with me, please.
I only became balanced and happy once I nourished both sides. I didn’t need help from outside to do it.
It helped to understand the nature of both sides, of both energies. My feminine side was completely surpressed. I was so scared, I felt I needed to protect myself, protect the soft feminine side. So I hardly ever let her shine through, surpressed her and guarded her with all my masculine energy I could muster. I acted strong, acted generous and helpful, was super organised, and I had to fight all the time. Fight for people to understand me, fight for my living, fight off men who misunderstood the glimpses of my feminine that came out all wrong. Fight even to stay alive and not kill myself.
And the day came when I had to stop the fighting. It clearly brought me nowhere. I wanted to understand these two sides of me and what they needed. I like this image: the masculine is like this big rock in the sea, firm, stable, strong, with deep roots, protective. The feminine is the sea around the rock, forever flowing, creating life on that rock.
Problem only is, the masculine strength can protect…but it can also destroy.
With power comes responsibility, right?
Say men are the ones with more masculine energy for example (apparently biology with the mix of hormones, muscle tone and slightly different brain structure, gave them this kind of energy more than women, on average). If men are the stronger ones, are they the only ones, solely responsible for the harmony between us? Perhaps not. But what can women do if they are ‘weaker’.
We can inspire men to be their best selves.
This next image intruiged me: the same man can become either offensive or protective, depending on what kind of woman he has to deal with.
The art of the feminine is being lost… But yes, it works. I started to expect of men to protect me, put more trust in them, started being appreciative of their great qualities. Because yes, men have some amazing, beautiful qualities!
OK, let’s move away from all this for a second. I’ll give you a completely different example of how things are or could be handled.
Take our country. There is more and more knife crime. What are the politicians suggesting as a solution? More heavily armed policemen on the street. Now watch this. First, funds were cut and policemen taken off the streets for a while. In this time almost every house even in an area as rich Chiswick got hit and robbed at some point. This country’s poor people have become even poorer, there are more kids on the streets than ever, unsupervised and unloved. And the solution is more guns on the streets? So we have a problem of violence and we will go and try to solve violence with MORE violence? That’s badly used male energy being beaten by even more destructive male energy. Where does it end? We all know. Second World War ended with two atomic bombs. Millions of lives wiped out within seconds and another few millions left to die slowly generation after generation because of the radiation damage.
What is the obvious solution? Balance of course. Balance is here only when the male is acting protectively and the female is nourishing.
We all have both sides in us. Our country also has both roles: to feed us and protect us. But it is not feeding us and with the female side out of the picture and surpressed, the male is being abused as a weapon of manipulation and destruction.
Weather we are talking about a relationship at home or the relationship between a country and its people, the feminine and masculine is always at play and always needs balance. And if we don’t grant that balance, chaos comes out of it, a hot lava mess. The feminine becomes unrecognizable and the male is becoming destructive and blamed for it all.
Nature itself knows how to balance itself. So why can’t we? Because we have the power to choose.
Again. With power comes responsibility.
But if we have the power to choose to become a mess and to ignore the balance, then we also have the power to choose to restore it.
And THAT is the beauty of it. This is how I got out of my own mess.
I had to act in two parts, restore balance in me and then with the world.
First I had to choose how I wanted to feel, who I was. I knew my masculine side very well. What I was missing was my feminine. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore. Which meant I had to find a way to be afraid of the people around me. Obviously one can’t just go outside and trust the whole world blindly. That is plain stupid. First boundaries have to be established. Not walls…but boundaries. Rules which defined what was acceptable to me how others may treat me – or not. With those boundaries in place, I turned to the outside world, especially towards men. No matter who I met on the street, I carried in my heart appreciation for the masculine in men. For men being men… Most of useful things in my life I admitedly learned from men, not women. Even cooking. They are so wonderfully practical at times and that helped me take away my fear of doing something wrong when cooking.
As I trusted for men to actually look after me and protect me (and this is ME saying this, the girl who was sexually abused a dozen times since she was a child), I started to relax. The more I relaxed, the less I needed my freakishly controling masculine side to protect me. And the less I needed my masculine side and could give it a rest, my feminine dared to come out. I started to laugh again, my heart opened and was able to be moved to tears by a beautiful gesture of my man or even by a silly movie. Joy started spilling out of me.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. My masculine was still there…but now in the background. It was there just in case I needed to make my boundaries clear. But even that I never had to do with any strength any more, I just had to stand my ground. If I said I didn’t want to kiss on a fist date, I didn’t want to be kissed, period. Finally I had no bad feeling for saying no to a guy. I also wasn’t mad at him, but such a person who wouldn’t want to respect my boundaries was history very quickly, without any fuss or being rude even. I could stay my gentle, kind self.
Since then (and this was 3 , 4 years ago), I never needed to bring my dragon out. Yes, I can breathe fire. But I discovered there are much stronger and better ways to defeat anyone stupid or violent – kill him with kindness if possible. What happens when you do that? What happens when you ignore someone being rude to you and ask how they are? If you suddenly show that you care? In the end anyone who is acting out, is only a hot lava mess themselves, unappreciated and neglected. Force doesn’t help.
Of course if someone was to attack me physically and I was being assulted, I would protect myself. In that moment there is no time to give that robber a job or a rapist a therapy session and love to stop him from atttacking.
This is actually what they are doing in Sweden’s prisons – they fully rehabilitate people. They give them the education they missed out on, treat them with respect, have therapy, are being given jobs. In the end they have an 80% success rate of ex-offenders to never offend again. 80%!!! Other countries don’t even achieve 20%.
That’s a country treating its people with both energies the way it should be, with harmony.
What will the result be in my case? Once I find a way to trully fully live my feminine energy, I want to return to strengthen my masculine one as well.
The result will hopefully be something like Wonderwoman. Gently strong, fiercely joyful. Wonderwoman as a movie was not liked by women. My partner asked me, why. Why did women run to see Aquaman but not Wonderwoman? I said, we are confused by Wonderwoman because there is no such ‘stereotype’ being praised in our society and the media. All we know is the ‘little weak’ woman, or the strong fury who has to do it all alone (the controlfreak always being let down by men), or the ’tomboy’, or the ‘dramaqueen’, the ‘whore’, the ’prude’. We have many stereotypes, but never a truly feminine strong woman who doesn’t lose any of her femininity despite being able to protect others.
I could have chosen to become purely feminine and nothing else. Do burlesque and events and be there for my man. But I love being strong as well. I will never be weak-weak. I can choose to relax and let my partner take care of me and our life in certain things and be all girly around him. Yet he will always know that it was my strength which carried us for a while until he could pick his pieces up and rise to his full glory.
And I can choose to be both at any time, shining joy and protective, let both the feminine and masculine move up up up in a spiral dance, entwined.
You see, it’s impossible to mash these two together to become one. They can only become one mess if things are being forced. But if we learn to enjoy both, accept both, let them be at play as they need to be, always there for each other, then life is being created, beauty.
How can we be there for each other? We both need protecting funnily enough. Say if the feminine needs the physical protection (imagine a little girl dancing – and if threatened it will immediately stop), the masculine needs the emotional protection. Only when a man senses he is safe on an emotional level which doesn’t come easily to him, then he can relax and be his best self.
Men…are not women. Nature needs these two forces to keep life going. We women love to feel protected, no matter how strong we are. And men need our joy to feel alive. Sex is part of that joy. This will never change.
And if we mess with nature as the Chinese did, preventing girls to be born, then nature will gift men with more feminine hormones and energy to restore the balance. For me that is proof enough of how we are created.
Does that mean women should go back to the stove and men to work and provide? No, no, no! I NEVER said that.
Here is where the problem lies.
As different as we are in the mix of the masculine and feminine, we are all human. And as humans we all have the same potential for using our brains and hearts. Most of us want to work, all of us want to be loved and protected, all of us need to be appreciated, want to feel useful. If there’s a woman who loves being a mother and nothing else, then fine! If a man loves being a father and stay at home, also fine! Those of us wanting to work, should be able to work, those of us wanting both, work and a family, should be able to have both and so on…
The feminine and the masculine doesn’t take away from equality. On the contrary. As long as we are respectful of our differences, the struggle for power is erased.
But when the feminine becomes a hot lava mess, as was the goddess of nature in Moana, it takes a Demigod to right the wrong, to restore her heart. And as her life is restored once again, he is being rewarded with real lasting power as well. As the Demigod in the story, men (people) mean well at first perhaps and take the essence of power from women (nature) and end up messing it up. But just as well we have the option of giving the power back and restore the balance.
Remember, no balance, no life, no love, no beautiful sex.