From time to time I find myself in a state of Catch-22 with my husband. I will start complaining that I don’t get enough of his attention, enough of him wanting me. It’s not even about actually having sex, I just want to feel desired. Why?
Because as I’ve told a hundred times before, women need attention. Feeling wanted by my man makes me feel alive, makes me feel that I’m good enough.
Also because if I don’t feel wanted, then the silent nagging voices of doubt start getting louder.
“You’re getting fat, that’s why he doesn’t desire you any more.” is just one of those voices but a very important one. Beauty matters to most of us and most of us know very well that our man will possibly age much better and will in time seem even more desirable to others, while you yourself will simply just look haggard. It’s just not fair.
I know by now that a couple of pounds more don’t matter to my man. But I know this only on an intellectual level. I have to remind myself of it every day and draw my confidence from seemingly nothing. Because if I don’t find a way to feel happy with myself, then I don’t find myself attractive and I will actually be the one sabotaging our closeness while at the same time accusing my man that we don’t have more sex because “HE doesn’t want to” and so on, blah blah blah. It’s ridiculous, I agree, but that’s how it is.
Now imagine a woman who isn’t even aware of that circle of hell and that she could possibly prevent that spiral of doom from starting. A freaking nightmare, I know.
So where is the misunderstanding?
It’s actually more of a misconception. Here it goes: we women think that you men are horny animals who always want sex, sex and more sex. But in my whole life I have hardly come across anyone even remotely that horny and I had a friend with a partner like that once. One…friend. Only one! And I know thousands of people and they tell me pretty much everything once we start chatting. (What can I say, I have a gift. LOL.)
But my husband explained to me…
If a guy wants to have sex within a relationship, he needs to be in the right headspace for it. But if he has to worry about work and needs to be focused on his projects, then he can’t just switch off just for five minutes, be horny for you and completely present, and then go back to his work.
That actually makes sense and looking back, most of my partners were functioning like that.
It seems to me that the world keeps painting a picture of men always wanting sex and us women always faking headaches in order to get out of having to have sex.
And what’s the reality? As far as I can tell, the reality is that yes, a man will hope for sex and will chase it – when he can’t easily have it, be it single or in a relationship. But if he has a partner who is generous with her sexuality, then his need is actually not that big at all. Especially when busy. And especially when he gets what he actually really needs – her love and appreciation. That love and appreciation actually makes it possible for him to focus on his career or hobbies and for him the world is in order and thinks it’s all in order for his woman as well and doesn’t focus on her much any longer.
But this is where he’s mistaken…
On the flipside, a woman who loves her man, once she has given herself to him because he won her trust and her heart, her desire has just opened up and ends up wanting far more sex (or intimate attention). She thinks things have only just begun to get interesting but then suddenly she finds herself perplexed and alone. And to be honest, it’s confusing. As a woman, there you are, trying to do the right thing, trying to be supportive, silently thinking and hoping that he will appreciate all this in return with some extra attention at least now and then. But there is nothing… And whenever she mentions that she needs more attention, it only comes across as if she was blaming him. His ears shut down, arguments start or at the least, she hates it that it sounds like nagging and complaining when actually, all she wanted is…balance.
So when a woman like me is patient and waiting and trying to embrace the fact that her man is busy and focused, the desire for him only grows and with it the frustration when it’s not fulfilled, when she is not being desired back. And when the frustration spills over and with it my doubts about myself, I tend to explode in frustration or implode in sadness and I just want to give up entirely on the joy of anticipation.
Anticipation is beautiful, yes. But if there is nothing waiting at the end of that path, I feel betrayed, let down. It’s horrible. Anticipation acts like an aphrodisiac, the desire grows. But say it is never heard and fulfilled, a woman retreats. I retreat. It feels like drying up, as if my love for him is drying up. It’s still there, I would not leave him…yet.
The day might come though when I would be done waiting and then it doesn’t matter what his noble reasons were for not having time for us, time to desire me.
And then the woman leaves one day and it seems sudden. Nothing is ever sudden. It has been a decision years in the making.
We all want to feel alive. I made it possible that my man can go after all his projects which make him feel alive because he feels challenged, involved, there is hope that he will change things for the better. That’s great!
And while I have my own projects and yes, they make me feel alive to a degree, I still need that attention in order to keep my feminine…flowing, juicy, happy.
That’s just me who is aware of all these things and has a life of her own.
Now imagine a woman who isn’t aware, simply just reacts to her moods without understanding, and only lives for her family and her man and has nothing of her own whatsoever. It’s a thousand times worse.
We women live for love.
While men need love, of course, we all do, they don’t live for love. They live for… What do they live for? Some say they live for creation, for a challenge, for the adrenaline – or to make their woman smile. But they don’t live for love.
We women live for love, dream of love, are made for love. But once we have been made hard or have been too neglected or even abused, things get terribly twisted. We still live for love, but we are not love any longer, not in that nurturing way. And given that we are emotions, we will live them. And if it’s not loving emotions, it will be something else.
You call it drama.
I call it a need to…be.
We all need connection. The last Star Trek Discovery pointed this out again and again. But we always seem to struggle with the balance of our connections. We know too little about what the feminine needs to keep it flowing. We know too little how important it is to keep the feminine safe and vibrant in order to have that happy home.
Recently I collapsed. And as I was unhappy, the step children felt it and became really nervous and couldn’t tell why. All they knew is that the ecosystem of our house fell apart. I became horrified at the responsibility of my role in this house. Even though I’m not their mother, I, as the feminine element of our family, seem to be like the sun. No one thinks about the sun, how much we need it. But when clouds cover the skies, we will become depressed, not even realising it’s because of the lack of vitamin D and the sun.
So even though the children don’t communicate much with me and don’t show any interest in interacting, they themselves are unable to be happy and all smiles with their father and friends if I’m not radiating love, if my feminine seems pushed away by anger and sadness. That’s a big responsibility. It’s a bitch to be honest. So I need to find a way to be consistently in a good mood and happy even though a lot is being taken and very little given, if anything at all.
Of course my husband is here to catch me, I’m lucky. At times like these he is the more pragmatic and balanced one because he never lets emotions rule him. Well, I’m not that strong sometimes. In the end I have to cave in to the fact that I’m a woman, that my hormones take their toll and dictate my needs at times and I better not ignore them.
And this is part of that big misunderstanding. While men can possibly focus on one thing (only), a woman can’t. To expect her to be all reason all the time is not realistic, it’s dangerous. My tears are sometimes just there, need to be let out, sometimes I just need to cry so I can release that pressure of trying to hold it all together all the time, be patient, be understanding, not having my space, not being able to live as I was meant to (travelling, meeting people, have more sex). I can reason with myself for quite a while, but those tears need to come out at times when the balance is off. But tears scare a man.
There you go. When it comes to sex, we get it all wrong most of the time.
- At first a woman will sleep far too quickly with a guy and men will take the freely given sex if it’s offered and not think twice about it after. She will be one of many and never the one.
- Which gives the impression that all men want is sex.
- But once a woman manages to give a man what he actually needs (and becomes the one)- which is always her warmth, support, appreciation, in short, real love, then he is happy and not by far the sex enthusiast as she hoped him to be. For him the chase is over and unless she refuses sex for months, he won’t go anywhere else, as long as he feels appreciated. And the once a week or once a month is just about enough – for him.
- So she gets far too little attention over the years and once again things fall apart and the chase starts again, the chase for sex, the chase for love…
Even though we had it right there in our hands for a moment, we just didn’t know what to do with it, with the relationship, because we took it for granted and simply didn’t understand what was meant by “You have to water the flower.”
It sounds like such a cliche and even if we get it, we think it’s too much effort to pay attention to each other just a bit, every day, every week, not just once a year on fucking Valentine’s day. Why? Because a guy thinks it needs to be a lot of attention or he simply can’t explain that he can’t focus on her when he is focused on work.
But even if you explain that to her and even if she understands, it won’t change the fact that she will still need some real attention, some real desire.
So while I agree, we women need to be a bit more patient and far more appreciative and supportive of our men, you, my lovely men, you need to literally make time in your schedule to make it all about her. If that’s two hours a week where you turn off your phone, take her to a secluded lake or just light some candles at home, strip her naked, sloooowly, and then caress every inch of her body, telling her how beautiful she is…that’s all that’s needed probably. Ask her.
But you have to do something! Or else…her feminine will dry away in sadness. And once it’s dried up, then all the water in the world won’t resurrect that bloom that is her womanhood – not for you.
Balance is everything.