I got instructions from my man today;)

Apologies for the blurry photo but it really sums us up beautifully. It was taken in Venice, after half a year being together and on our first and only little getaway. After that, the only thing getting away was time and we hardly managed to go anywhere in the last three years. Holidays just aren’t on our agenda. But who needs holidays when life with your partner is an adventure every day, right?

I’ve been watching a lot of Dave Chappell today, so bear with me if I’ll try to be funny. And do you remember how I was talking about Chris Rock yesterday and playing the Tambourine? Well, this is a sequence to that;)

So I’m standing in the kitchen, it’s almost noon on this winter day in the UK, washing the dishes because the kids decided they didn’t want to earn their five pounds pocket money today.  No problem, I love doing the dishes.

So I’m standing in front of the window where the sink is (why is there always a window where the sink is? Is it to remind you how much it sucks having to do house chores while others are outside playing and having fun?) Anyway, my husband waltzes into the kitchen in a good mood and in this elevated mood he announces:”Let me give you some pointers how you can do the job better next time.”


That’s how my mind would have looked like in a comic book if you were drawing me how I felt in that moment.

Yeah, you heard right, he said…JOB! YES, as in… You know…

No, I’m not a prude but I really don’t know what the standard here at Medium is and how much is it frowned upon talking about your personal life when it comes to the area of the bedroom shenanigans. So read between the lines, will you please? And to anyone trying to be against my very personal article, please remember — everything I write about has a point and is educational to bring men and women closer together!

Now here is something you don’t know about me, about us, just yet. I’ve been asking and begging for some pointers for over three years now. Our whole relationship was based on me wanting real answers from a man in order to learn what you guys really want or not. And while my man usually has no problem telling me about every damn little thought he has about AI and technology and IT and politics and the horrors of this world or how amazing Batman is and the Snyder Cut and the last game on GTA with his friends, so far, I couldn’t get a word out of him what he likes in bed.

The British…! Sigh. (I’m a crazy-ass Slovenian, thank you very much, I’m entitles to sigh at my British husband when I want to, alright?) 🙂

So when he walked into the kitchen and happily announces:”Honey, let me give you some pointers on the job you just gave me ten minutes ago,” while doing the dishes, you better believe that I almost dropped the wet plate onto the other plates and nearly smashed the only few plates we have so far. (You know how some love stories go — “they were poor but they were happy because they had each other”? Yes, that’s kinda us right now, LOL.)

“OK,” I tried to laugh,”lay it on me!”

Am I allowed to go a bit into details here? Just, you know…, as an example how communication between a man and a woman could or should successfully work? Yes? No? Alright, let’s try this and see if I get banned.

“You see, it’s really nice what you’re doing but could you please keep the foreskin down. You want to focus mainly on the tip. On the base. And it has to be moist. Oh yes, very moist…all the time…” he got lost in the memory of it for a second there it seemed. I said:”The foreskin needs to stay down all the time?” “Well…yes. You can mix it up a little. But mainly…” And he kept explaining, I won’t go into further details. But it was helpful, so very helpful! Fine, I’ll do my best to remember and I think I’ll double check next time if I understood him correctly. Yes, I’ll ask him in the middle of it, while I’m making my man happy.

It’s only fair. I gave him exact pointers how I function and what I need from the very start of our relationship. Have you watched the new season of Big Mouth on Netflix? It’s a bit dark but in the end it all makes sense, we binge watched it together on Friday I think, it’s our thing. Spoiler alert — the kids are starting to actually consider being intimate with each other (way too early if you ask me but apparently this is the norm these days? ah well…) and the girl gives actual pointers to her boyfriend and it works. Of course it works!

Even though, there was this one time, years ago, with this really fun guy who just wouldn’t listen to me and no matter how hard he tried, he could not get me off with his tongue. You would think I was some tasty dish that had to be eaten all the time. That’s it. He treated me like a dish for himself. I wasn’t a person it seemed, where the whole point should have been to please me. But he was really the only one who never listened. Everyone else seems to get it.

It’s hard, you know. I tried it once. The year before I met my husband, I made it my New Year’s resolution to make a woman reach an orgasm. I’m not gay, not even ‘bi’. But I was intrigued because I tried twice before and miserably failed and that was some kind of weird ego thing, I just HAD to have managed it at least once in my life, to make a woman happy. But I tell you what. Trying it out myself on another girl (that I liked, by the way, not some random stranger), made me tip my hat to the guys that they have EVER managed to get me to come to completion.

Talking about completion… LOL. Sorry, give me a second… Can’t stop laughing.

That’s how our morning actually started. This was again a first, actually.

I told you, it’s Sunday. I usually get up really early in the morning but because I was writing late last night yet again, I somehow slept till past ten in the morning, just like him. My hubby was still asleep and I started watching Dave Chappell clips on YouTube. When my husband finally woke up, he suddenly closed the door, threw the blanket off him, and pointed at his glorious member, saying exuberantly:”Honey, can you give me a …job and have it done to completion.”

Completion, ha? I thought. That’s new.

“Yes, sir! Right away.” Him finally asking me for once was exhilarating because he never does that. As I said…British.

While he sleeps in the nude, I am always dressed like a polar bear. So I at least unzipped my hoodie and almost pounced on him like a cat that jumps on its pray with all four and he recoiled in shock, he didn’t expect me to be this enthusiastic about it. But hey, fair is fair, he was making me very happy this week, a few times, and I already felt a bit bad that I haven’t made him this happy in a while. I used to make sure to give him a treat quite regularly, so he could boast to his friends what a great woman he has, but I wasn’t that fantastic lately at all.

Well, lately I make him happy, the usual way…you know…the obligatory “once-a-week-spreading-my-legs-and-making-my-man-happy” kind of…you could say…catholic way… Which is all about him, not about me. So mathematically speaking, on average he is being made happy far more than I ever will be. Unless!… Unless he keeps it up like this week, hm!

Naaaaah, don’t worry, we don’t have so much time to be this frivolous with each other. We have articles to write and companies to build. This week was more of an exception I suppose. Well, I don’t know! Maybe not. I’ll tell you in a while if you’d like. But you’ll have to ask me and if there are enough people interested in how my marriage is faring, then I might just come back and let you know.

It’s bad enough that my husband has to endure me writing about us but that’s what happens, when you encourage your woman to specialise on communication between men and women, and get her to write a book about possible ways to improve things between us. But hey, I have asked him many times:”Honey Bunny, are you SURE you want me to publish this? After all, you are becoming a public figure, people know you…” His response is always:”Hell yeah! This is life, I’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.”

To be honest, he really doesn’t;)

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