Good morning, my lovely people! It’s sunny and crisp outside, I mean, REALLY crisp.:) Somehow appropriate for the 1st December, wouldn’t you say?
The good side of having to drive every day into London, is to enjoy all the lights and sparkle in the main streets. I’m kinda nuts for lights and that’s why I love this time of year. Also the fact that I got more work, means I am earning a bit more as well. (The downside is that I’m exhausted and don’t get around writing more articles but I’ll try to fix that.:))
These past months I was complicating in my relationship, thinking that it’s my amazing partner who is not doing something in order to entice me to have more sex. But we had a chat or two and I had to admit, it was me who was blocking our sexual life. Not just our, but my own. I used to enjoy a lot to play with myself, I would put nice music on and revel in the exciting energy rising around my clit, and then trying to pull it up through my body. In a way I was practicing Tantra on my own. But I lost that relationship with myself lately and that made me sad and puzzled.
Perhaps I’m also going through something in the back of my mind that I’m not aware of. For example, given that all my male relationships when I was a child were harmful, I find myself for the first time in a relationship with a man who I can completely trust and we are true equals. I guess this needs some adjustment as well.
The thing I was trying to do, is in a way to control our sex life without realising it. Control and avoid my own pleasure at the same time. That used to be a problem since I had my first boyfriend. Even he noticed that just as we started to get busy, I would keep interrupting and then look for a towel, a blanket…delaying the actual penetration.
Given the sexual abuse I had to endure as a girl, it’s a miracle that me being tense and somewhat controlling when it came to sex, no matter how much I wanted it, is the worst and only thing as a result, it’s actually not too bad. As I mentioned in previous articles, I didn’t feel I wanted to go down the route of S&M or anything the like.
But here is the thing. Ever since the company I’m working for, hired me as a temp for a couple of additional days before New Year plus confirmed I will still be working for them in January, I noticed that I started lusting after my partner again and can’t keep my hands off him when I’m finally home. Obviously during the week there is no time except for a cuddle due to my long work days but the weekends became…more interesting;).
(By the way, I thought my pill was to be blamed for a lower libido which could have been the case, but I don’t think anymore that it is.)
This morning it all suddenly made sense and I don’t understand I didn’t think about this earlier.
Who knows about the 7 chakras in our body? It doesn’t matter if you subscribe to the concept of energy but it still makes sense.
The first chakra, our root chakra, is all about feeling safe. That includes financial safety. Now, financial safety used to be a big issue in my childhood, so every time I see a financial tight spot, I become tense big time but will not really see it.
The second chakra represents pleasure, emotional balance and sexuality. If any of your chakras are blocked, the energy can’t flow further up. Which in this case would mean, if I feel unsafe in any way, my sexual chakra will not be able to open.
What else does that mean in general for everybody when it comes to relationships between men and women? That a woman won’t be able to relax if she has something on her mind. Actually a man can’t either, I’ve been witness to that with all my partners. God forbid he is worried, then no amount of begging will get him hard.
Let’s say though us women are the ones who are by nature a bit more anxious and worry. Then if a man is lusting after his woman, but she is avoiding sex, I can only say, try the following.
Since she needs to feel safe in order to relax, have her sit down instead of doing the dishes (or do them yourself if it bothers her), give her a cup of tea or glass of wine, whatever she usually loves, sit down and ask her about the day and listen and even more importantly – DON’T try to give solutions, just bloody listen and give her your empathy and understanding how much this world can suck.
Then take her in your arms, let her feel how safe she is lying with her head on your chest, how strong your arms are, how protected she is.
Brush her hair out of her face, stroke her hair perhaps. Whatever you do, caress her in a non-sexual way and have no expectations.
If it doesn’t work that night, then you might have to get her used to a bit more NON-sexual attention. It does wonders if during the day or evening, you stop and gently kiss her, and then go on doing what you were doing. Or just hug her… Or lightly tap her on the bum, playfully. Or just touch her hip in passing.
Those non-sexual little physical gestures fill a woman like pouring wine into a glass. What you want is that the wine starts to overflow and the cup is so full, that she starts to flow and wish for more, for an actual sexual connection.
Try it:). It works for me. Unless as I said, I have financial worries, then I will still go for sex but I won’t initiate it and it won’t be as much fun perhaps.
We are all different but I think when it comes to the topic of feeling relaxed, safe, heard, loved, we are all the same.
How does that translate in reverse? What does a woman have to do in order to have a sexually eager man?
Obviously the level of horniness is different for everyone. But either I was unlucky or the man who constantly wants sex is a myth. Anyway, I’ve never encountered such a man, lol.
In any case, if I wanted sex from my current partner, he had to be a happy chappy. Sorry, this is a silly expression from an old commercial which stayed with me.
First I give him plenty of compliments and make him feel like the greatest man in the world! Plus I will show my appreciation for every little thing he does for me or around the house.
And also I support my man to follow whatever ambition he has. It’s not always easy because that sometimes means I put myself in a tricky situation because I even stop him from taking on an office job in order for him to have time to finish his own project. What can I say? I’m might be nuts, but I prefer to say that I truly believe in my man.
And hey, I know his project in the end might not bring in the money he hoped for but at least he tried and I wasn’t the one in his way of that.
Meanwhile I know I can financially hold things together but it’s a double-edged sword. I might make him happy pursuing his ambitions but it can put the financial pressure on me in a way that I’m the one then who is sexually blocked.
But that’s life for you, right? It’s a bit of a risky process in which we are trying to balance it all. And at times we won’t have it all. We have to stoically sacrifice a part of our life in order to enjoy it later.
But when things align, for a moment, life can be truly amazing.
But it’s true, all this takes a lot of patience and having some faith in life and your partner. The kind of patience we all seem to have less and less the way the media is trying to convince us we can have it all, right now.
No we can’t, not right now and not all the time. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy all the time. Because believe me, sex or no sex, when I come home and he hugs and kisses me, that’s all I need to get me going;).
Actually… Given that three years ago I thought I would rather stay single and without sex for the rest of my life, every kiss and hug now, is one kiss and one hug more than I would have had if I hadn’t met my Mr. X:).
Two and a half weeks to our wedding day now!
It will be a small ceremony at the registry with lunch after. I seriously don’t care how the day will go, I just want to be married to my man and belong to him in every way.
Old fashioned, I know, but that’s me;).
Have a lovely Sunday!