The Challenge of not being alone in the House any longer

I kept saying to my hubby: “Let’s use this time while we’re still alone to have our fun time.” But noooooo. He was hung up on the fact that he couldn’t see his children, afraid that he will never again get to see them or be able to protect them. Of course I understood his fears, at the same time I was confident the day would come when his children would have their father in their lives again.

It happened quicker than we expected. Just as he won in court for the second time around, to have the right to see them and with heavier consequences to his ex if she doesn’t comply this time, his ex pushed both their oldest children on us, overnight.

I thought, fine, we were working towards that anyway, and I knew this day would come. It was just funny because only days before that happened, I was saying to my husband we should enjoy the opportunity to be able to have sex without any hindrance. And I was right, LOL.

Of course right now we want them to settle in and I was trying to keep my hands off my sexy husband as much as I could. I would only hug or kiss him when the kids were not around (they are 15 and 14). I don’t want to be perceived territorial of their father. They haven’t had him in three years, I thought they should enjoy all the attention.

My focus is just as much on them as is his. Given that I get up early anyway, I usually go to LIDL and buy fresh croissants for the kids, get orange juice which they like so much and I’m glad they do. They are also reaching out for fruit and nuts and Baby Bells more than any stupid snacks. To me it’s really important that my family gets their vitamins, I’m a bit of a health freak in that sense. I might not be the slimmest woman in the world but even my doctors have confirmed that my blood results are the healthiest they have ever seen. Yeah, I know my stuff when it comes to food.

How come I’m not my perfect self then? That’s a different and extensive topic, I might explain another day.

Weeks are going by and while I make sure that at least my husband “gets some” once a week at a minimum, quietly in the morning while the kids are still in bed, there simply isn’t enough time to focus on me some more and ‘make ME happy’. For a while that’s fine. But then I started noticing tension building up in me, my centre between my legs literally pulsating and not wanting to shut up any longer.

I started having really intense sex dreams and I’ve noticed I only have them when my sexual frustration has built up to the brim. Just imagine. My husband knows I need my hugs and kisses during the day, and he is kind enough to remember that. I might not get as many as I did before, but we are starting to be a little (just a little) bit more relaxed in front of the kids. After all, it’s not a bad thing for them to witness how a loving functioning relationship between two adults works.

So on one hand I get my hugs and kisses, on the other I just have to look at my husband’s handsome face and that damn six-pack when he’s running around shirtless and my tongue is dragging on the floor, lusting after him which is a good thing of course, but it really doesn’t help the pulsating clit between my thighs.

Meanwhile we are both trying to just go about our day, both working like lunatics on our projects, both always patient with the kids, no matter what their teenage responses. I’m trying to hold it together of course but I feel like a pent up volcano, the lava rising and just wanting to pop that cork on top and spill out.

Obviously I won’t let myself explode in the sense of showing my frustration in the form of becoming nasty, bitchy, nagging, screaming, not a chance!

As my husband woke up this morning and seemed awake enough (also one thing which doesn’t help, that we have such different rhythms), I kindly said to him that I think I simply have to come. Could I please ride him? I asked.

As soon as I felt his closeness, all that pent-up energy found the safety valve and I could let go of steam. How does that show itself? I started to cry. Sometimes a woman just needs to cry. I know that’s horrifying to any man and I’m sorry, but it’s the best and quickest way to release the tension on that emotional level. These are tears without judgement or blame. They are simply my tears, for me, the relief which I needed. Then I could relax and take my time until I made myself come. The orgasm was quite decent and not too quick which it usually is when I haven’t come for too long. The problem is, I could need at least one or two more sessions like this before I actually feel satisfied.

I wonder why I don’t play with myself any longer. I used to masturbate on a quite regular basis. That’s why I never understood when women became bitchy just because they didn’t get any sex and attention for too long. I would give myself the attention I needed. I need to find my way back to myself again. Something got lost in the process of doing my best for this relationship to work. I can’t say if I’ve just become too lazy because I have this amazing partner and the intimacy with him is truly satisfying (not just the sex, I mean the whole shebang). Or is there something else behind it?

I’ve been wondering that for quite a while now. I miss it. Yes, I miss having fun with my alone time. Did I stop loving myself on a certain level? How can that be, especially since I’ve managed to work successfully on truly accepting all parts of me and my difficult history?

I used to take my time, I would put on some Erykah Badu, have a bit of oil at the ready…

I can’t put the blame on the current fact that I don’t have my own room any longer. I haven’t been doing this in the past three years, ever since I got together with my Mr. X.

How do other people do it? How do they arrange for a time to be alone despite having children? Especially, what do they do when they have small children? If they have regular bed times, then it might work perhaps. But I’ve seen couples trying to always be there for their kids, never showing them any boundaries, letting the kids sleep in the same bed when they wanted and so on. That must end up in endless frustration, doesn’t it?

A couple needs that special alone time, at least once a week for two or three hours. It’s simple nature. If we don’t give ourselves that time to connect with each other on that emotional and physical level, all hell can break loose, I can imagine. Add to that the stress of having to go to work and put up with the BS there…

I’m sure we will find a way to communicate to my husband’s kids that we need some alone time and they will surely be able not to knock on our door when “the tie is on the door handle”. I really don’t understand why hide the fact that adults need sex. By arranging a system in our lives, we as the adults can function better when we fulfil our need for intimacy and can be better parents, more patient and joyful with the kids. Why not make them understand this, so they know later when they have a family, how to handle things and so they know it’s ok to show boundaries and create some space for yourself.

We want to be there for the kids 100%, right? Are we overdoing it? How about we’re there 95% for them and at least 5% for ourselves, (time-wise), so we can be there for the kids in a 100% good mood.

Because guess what – if the kids get 100% of our time and focus, and we as the parents zero, then the kids will start getting 50% of our good mood and less. Am I seeing this wrong?

I’m sorry but our sex drive doesn’t disappear just because we have children. Even if we think on the surface that we are too stressed to even think about sex any longer, our bodies and our hearts will still demand some attention. There is no way around it. I’ve tried, I really tried not to focus at all on the needs of my body but it became really unpleasant. I was starting to become bitchy in my head. I might not have shown it on the outside, but that only contributed to me being pent-up even more because I controlled myself. And I don’t like feeling bitchy whatsoever.

Probably I could do more sports and get some of the frustration out that way, I know. But it’s autumn now and a woman will always find a reason not to go running:). Sorry, I’m just human after all.

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